I Wish She Hadn't
by LanaLlama
Summary: Sometimes knowledge would eat away at someone and corrupt them until they were nought more than a zombie; soulless, lifeless and just shuffling through the day. CT didn't look forward to the day that she joined the living dead. - A bit of an au where CT and South were a couple and she couldn't just leave her behind. - Rated T for aftermath of suicide.
1. It Hurts to Be Right

**AN: **So, I roleplay as CT over on Tumblr, and my friend as South, and this friend seriously ships the two, so they have a relationship in this group of rp'ers. This idea struck me this morning after I was woken by some complications of medical equipment (My Hickman's line) which is irrelevant, and I felt the need to write something like this for said friend. This coming from my having to fiddle with said equipment and my mind got on the track of 'What if so and so was ill, how would so and so react' and so on until I reached this and then the words came.

* * *

It had been a quiet, uneventful day. One of the ones that seem as though they would go on forever, but all too soon come screeching to a halt in a flurry of hours that brought it to a close. South had gone through training, lunch and class, all the normal things, alone. CT hadn't shown up anywhere, not even shuffling through the halls with a glass of water and a face that told the world that she was sick. The brunette had left South's room last night too, which was also odd.

She just kept telling herself that she hadn't been feeling well and within a week, everything about her would be normal again. The bags under her eyes well lesson, the life would come back to the brown orbs and she would be a little less…silent. CT was always quiet, but lately she had just refused to speak to everyone, and today was the day that South had found that enough was enough. If she was missing training then there was something seriously wrong. She would drag her girlfriend down to the med-bay no matter whether she made all the noise in the world, or not a single sound.

As she passed it in the hallway where her footsteps echoed and rang in her ears South poked her head into her own room. She was hopeful, but not expecting any result. That was what she got; nothing but silence to greet her. With the pang of the emptiness echoing inside her South continued to make her way towards CT's room, a growing feel of unease settling in the pit of her stomach.

She had no idea what it was that was making her feel such fear. It was a stupid notion; perhaps, that she was going to enter CT's room and find her blood painting the walls and her body grotesquely dangling from the ceiling. A note would be attached to her feet: _You should have come sooner, _it would read. South would have to deal with the body, take it down, report to the Director and go through all the questions whilst doing her absolute best not to cry,

None of this was the case when she lightly pushed the door open to CT's room; she was just being silly. The brunette in question was flat out on her bed, fully clothed and looking quite peaceful in her sleep. South smiled lightly at the sight as she shut the door behind her and proceeded to make her way over to her girlfriends sleeping form; she must have been rather exhausted and ill to not change or even get under the covers before sleeping.

The bed dipped slightly beneath her weight and she heard a single spring creak.

"Connie." She leaned over and gave CT a small nudge.

No response.

"Connie." Her voice was a little louder and her nudge a little more forceful, still the other woman did not stir; this was unlike her, CT was always a light sleeper.

"CT come on, get your lazy ass up. We're going over to the med bay right now!"

Still nothing happened. Not a muscle twitched, her chest didn't even rise in acknowledgment of South's command. Her chest didn't rise at all. She remained absolutely still and South's heart began to hammer frantically. She shot up from the bed so that she could kneel beside it and take her pulse. CT's wrist was cold and stiff in her own hands, and her breath quickened.

"No, no, no, no, no." Her words were fast and fearful.

Not a single part of the brunette stirred.

"Wake up you lazy…" She halted, unable to call CT any of the things that normally would have fallen in after that word. The frantic blonde began shaking her harshly and there was still no response.

A shaky hand scrambled in her pockets for her phone, and she dialed with the speed and grace of a drunken cat. It rang, once, twice, South cursed

"Fucking hurry up." North picked up. "North…" Her breath was shaky and broken.

"South? What's happened?" He had picked up on it right away, and a frown was on the other blonde's features.

"North, you've got to get down here," she sniffed, doing her best not to cry, right there. She swallowed back the tears. "please, I-I can't do this on my own."

"What's happened South? Slow down."

"I can't fucking slow down North, just get down here before she's too far gone."

The other twin hadn't a clue who _she _was, but there was no arguing with his sister when she was like this; and naturally he was worried and confused now. "Okay, okay, I'll be at your room in a minute, I'm on my way." He made to shut his phone off.

"NO MORON!" The shriek made him jerk the phone away and wince in pain "I'm in CT's room." She choked the name out, and now North was really worried.

She was the one to cut the call short, and he was quite sure he heard a sob, right before the call clicked off. Something that sounded like "_Please wake up."_

South didn't have a clue what to do. She wasn't any medical expert, she only knew how to quickly patch up a wound in the field. Shaking the brunette's body didn't seem like the right thing to do though; she just wanted to do something other than turn into an incoherent mess on the floor next to the brunette.

CT had always had cold hands and feet, they had tickled her in bed more than once, brushed against her leg and sent shivers up her spine; this was completely different. They weren't moving of their own accord. There was no life to send the shivers through South now.

Swallowing back the need to start sobbing the blonde tilted her head back and willed the tears to go away. She breathed deeply, and forced herself not to look. Her eyes went everywhere in the room but to the dead-weight beside her. Perhaps if she wasn't looking at the body beside her it wouldn't be a body, it would be her girlfriend, exhausted and sleeping soundly, a pulse and a heartbeat still racing through her body. Stacks of books swayed throughout the room, looking for all the world, as though they were begging to be picked up, to be read.

She took light steps towards the three scattered across the bedside desk and took the heaviest one in her hands. She subconsciously flicked through the pages, letting them fall from one finger to the other.

Something fell.

South took her time to notice it. The noise hadn't registered in the blondes stumbling mind, but she eventually saw it glinting under the light in the room, in her peripheral vision. A disc.

CT had always been old fashioned and liked to use the older things, but this was a little odd. South bent down to pick it up, a frown shaping her features. Her name was scrawled across it in that handwriting she loved so much; the delicate way that the letter tips looped in on themselves and looked so unsure about which letter they actually should be, despite how clear it was to the reader.

As the door swung open behind her she slipped it into her pocket, feeling the edges press through her clothes and against her leg.

South spun to face her twin feeling it all come rushing back as his eyes flickered between her and CT lying so still on the bed. She didn't know what to do, and nor did North.  
"Is…Has she…?"

Her mouth moved in reply, no words making it out; the sobs stole them away from her lips before she could get them out. She rushed to her brother to embrace him, cling to him. This time tears began to crawl down her cheeks, her breaths became unstable. "Sh-she's…North she's- g-one." Getting the last word out had been a challenge on its own.

The other blonde was torn between comforting his sister and affirming her reason for her tears. His own arms had curled around her instinctively. As North held South close he tried to look past her, over her shoulders at the still brunette who had not stirred.

"Did you check her pulse?" He hated to ask her such a question, but his sister had always been irrational, and to mistake a teammate for dead would have been one of the most ridiculo-

"I'm not a fucking moron." She growled into his shoulder, sniffing immediately after. "There wasn't one."

"We need to be sure South."

"So fucking check already." Still gulping on the sobs she shoved her brother towards her dead girlfriend while she herself staggered backwards and collapsed against a wall. Her head dropped into her knees and her whole body shook with the sobs that broke her.

North leaned over CT watching her chest for a tell tale movement that meant she was breathing.

_Nothing._

He put his ear to her chest, held her wrist beneath his fingers and counted to ten.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, South sobbed behind him. 6, 7, North gulped. 8 and still not a beat. 9, nothing had moved within her.

10

_ CT was dead._


	2. A Goodbye Message

It was hours later when South had time to herself again. Things had moved fast once North had got over the shock. She had been questioned on all of the wrong things. They thought she had done it for one wild moment and then she was ready to rip their throats out. Now, she pulled a blanket around her shoulders, sat with a hot chocolate beside her and her data pad in her hands. The disc CT had left her was put in and the video played.

_"South." _She breathed the name to the camera, her blank wall filling the space behind her as she sighed, eyes flickering left and right.

South had to stop herself from putting her fingers on the image of her dead girlfriend alive once more.

_This is hard to do South, and I hope you don't hate me for it later. _

_I know you South, please, whatever you do, whatever I say, please don't blame yourself. _

_You probably want a reason, right? Why I did it, why I left you….. I just couldn't cope any more. I knew all the reasons, all the wrongs that had happened on this ship and I couldn't tell anyone. _

_I was scared South, terrified that you would all laugh at the notion and hate me. He would know too if I went and told everyone. I had to be careful and bide my time and during that time I lost sight of what I had set out to do. _

_There are files on this disc, they'll let you know what I knew. I've shared them with Tex, and I've shared them with the resistance. I shared them with our enemy, because we need all the help we can get, and I'm not ashamed to say that I asked them first. They believed me, and though it made me a traitor, I had to. _

_They asked me to go with them you know..but I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave you South. You're the reason I stayed and the reason I started to lose it. I became paranoid that they had you or Wash watching me. I was terrified that they knew what I was doing._

_My only hope now, before I leave, is that you understand why and you do the right thing. Go to Tex, talk with the others, find the resistance; so long as you do something, you've made the right choice._

_Good luck._

_I love you._

_Connie._


End file.
